Growth
2
“James, they don’t want to change! I’m sick of being the one who is investing in my growth, in my change. I keep initiating. I’m asking them to get support and I’m up for us doing counselling. But they don’t want it. Sometimes, I feel like I’m done with this”
This is a real wrestle from a client.
And a challenge I’ve heard numerous times over the last few years in particular.
What makes this a particular struggle, is that this isn’t a relationship that you simply “swipe” to the left or right and replace. This is a relationship that someone has intentionally committed to for the long term.
At the core, lies the question “what do with individuals we’ve committed to, who don’t appear to want to change?”.
Clearly not an easy one to navigate.
If you find yourself committed to a relationship (eg a family member, spouse, friend, someone at work) where you feel that you are constantly putting in most of the work and not seeing “results”, then I offer the below thoughts for your consideration.
1. Recognise your complexity and their complexity
A good starting point is to simply acknowledge that we are complex human beings. I know I can quickly jump from logical rationality in one moment to extreme irrationality in the next! And when you put two complex individuals together, you have a recipe for double complexity and therefore exponential potential for misunderstanding. If you’re finding it difficult to connect with the other, then the complexity we share as humans may be a helpful common ground.
2. Resist quick fixes, so what’s real gets revealed
The temptation is to quickly fix what we perceive as the problem in the relationship. Especially for those of us who like accomplishing, achieving, getting things completed and good at solving problems. In our rush for “getting it done” and “a sense of peace”, we may shortcut the deeper issues and problems that need time to surface.
Not only in them. But in us.
It’s tough to do but making space is important. This may involve physical space, distance and/or time. The gift of space is that it allows things to surface and reality to be revealed. I find when I step back from trying to arrange outcomes, I can see situations from a different perspective.
3. Risk sharing your suffering
In comparison to other kinds of suffering in the world, we may not feel that our situation doesn’t compare. But to stay committed to someone where “love” may not feel reciprocated is a form of suffering and enduring. And research shows that we are much better off if we can share our suffering as it helps with regulating our emotions.
This is what I’ve found. The tension we face needs to go somewhere. And I previously didn’t have a healthy way of dealing with it or the right people around me, so I would go to my unhealthy coping mechanisms to take the “edge off”.
It takes risk to share what you’re going through. And of course, choose wisely who you share with. Remember, no one has a right to your vulnerability.
4. Take responsibility for your response, not theirs
Continue to stay committed to your own change. We become the change we want to see. We take initiative to better ourselves. We invest in our growth. We seek competent accountability. We won’t let another person’s response dictate how we choose to act or feel.
It doesn’t mean we don’t love the other person.
It just means we navigate the line where we are still taking care of ourselves.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” - Therapist and embodiment facilitator Prentis Hemphill
The above four thoughts are by no means the “answer” to your specific situation.
As I always say “there is limitation without conversation”.
So please, take whatever may help you in your specific situation.
And remember to take care of yourself in the process.
🤜 Over To You
What would you most like to see change in your relationship with another (whether spouse, business partner, friend, family, etc)?
Of the above four suggested considerations, which is the one that you could apply going forwards?
If you're ready to take steps to become the next best version of yourself so you improve the quality of relationships that matter, a 1:1 coaching partnership may be for you. Find out more here
James
p.s this is an excerpt taken from my regular Wins & Wrestles email drops where we celebrate the victories and wrestle through the tensions of building a life of holistic success and lasting contentment. Subscribe here to receive future email drops straight in your inbox
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