Growth
3
Understanding the Disconnect
Have you ever wondered why being a high achiever at work doesn't translate to being a high achiever at home? The reason lies in the differences in motivations and values.
The Disconnect in Motivations
At work, people are paid to do what we instruct them to do in a moment.
At home, people are compelled by how we behave over a long period of time.
At work, people will meet us when we want to meet.
At home, people will hang out with us if they enjoy being with us.
At work, I found the money and prestige will motivate.
At home, I found trust and enjoyment motivate.
The Disconnect in Core Values
In the workplace, we often measure success by how fast, accurate, and productive we are.
But can you imagine your child saying:
“Dad/Mum, thank you for doing things faster than others.”
“Dad/Mum, thank you for being more right.”
“Dad/Mum, thank you for producing more than others.”
Fundamentally, I found the home values space.
While the market values speed, the home values space to figure things out.
While the market values accuracy, the home values space for imperfection and forgiveness.
While the market values output, the home values space for us to simply be.
Learning the Disconnect the Hard Way
One of my biggest work successes (leading a tech startup overseas) coincided with one of my biggest home failures.
In 2019, I remember missing spending time with my family overseas, prioritizing work and my leadership responsibilities over precious family moments I can’t get back.
In the scheme of different priorities, I felt like the family trip seemed like a “waste of time” and not that “efficient”.
But my wife and kids didn’t have a lens of efficiency or output.
They had fundamentally different values to me - values of relationship that were foreign to me.
At that point, I knew there was a disconnect.
I felt like I was two different people. A work James and a home James.
And I wasn’t that proud of home James.
Looking back, I’d rate him 2/10 and that’s probably being generous!
I was confronted with the inner reality of my misaligned motivations and values.
And something inside me told me my life trajectory had to shift.
How to Start Bridging the Disconnect
Friends, it’s been a humbling process. I’m a five year work in progress.
But I do believe we can be successful in our work aswell as in the home.
We just need to understand that the pathway isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen by accident.
If you, like me, are keen at being better in the home, especially in relationships with your life partner, kids, or others, I’d suggest two areas we can start focusing on:
#1 Cultivate Intentional Quality and Quantity Presence
Work had taught me “quality only.” One of the biggest global consulting firms I worked for had a tagline: “Quality in everything we do.”
But at home and in key relationships, quality alone doesn't cut it.
If I organize a “quality” half-hour meeting with my kids when it’s convenient for me and say, “Tell me what’s going on with your life,” at most, I am met with “it’s good dad” or a grunt.
They’ll speak on their terms when they are ready.
And that’s why quantity presence is needed aswell.
It’s those car trips to their sports activities, hanging out on the couch watching the shows they enjoy, and being around when they are brushing their teeth and getting ready for bed where I’ve found they share what’s bubbling in their hearts.
I had to learn that being present means being available not just for brief quality moments but also for the long span of regular mundane ones.
#2 Make Space for Imperfection and Growth.
I’ve found the strength of our relationships is directly tied the space given for mistakes, self-learning and for growth.
Ever get frustrated with certain relationships where they still have you pegged at the version of yourself 10-20 years ago???
There’s something in us that feels misunderstood. That feels exasperated. That feels imprisoned.
What’s missing? Space.
Now one of the confronting parts of my journey was when I realised I was doing to others what I hated being done to me.
For people that hurt me, I held them captive with a mental image that gave them no space to change.
For people that I was envious and jealous of, I pigeon holed them and made outlandish assumptions about their lives.
For those in my life who I felt weren’t moving at my pace, I felt it was my duty to fix them and get them aligned to my speed. I was “bulldozing them”. I was not giving them space to grow at the pace and means that would be best for them.
I often say, good relationships require good dancing. Sure speed and accuracy is a part of that. But the more important aspect, is the space we give ourselves and the other person to move, change and adapt!
Finally
As high achievers, let's challenge ourselves to bring the same dedication to our personal lives that we bring to our careers. By focusing on intentional presence and making space for growth, we can build the kind of relationships that truly define success. Let’s aim to be proud of the "home" version of ourselves.
James
P.S. Here’s a picture of my son’s graduation. Talk about space. He now is taller than me! At age 13!
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Over to You
What values did you learn at work that aren’t fit for purpose at home?
Are you more a quality or quantity presence kind of person? How can you grow in the area you may not be as strong in?
What’s one step you can take to become the best "home version" of yourself?
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