"IT" is destructive, debilitating, and degrading.

IT distorts our understanding of what real intimacy with real people looks like.
IT delivers temporary relief and comfort but never satisfies the deepest longings of the soul.
IT delays us from becoming the best version of ourselves and distracts us from doing the best work we were created to do.

The IT I’m talking about is p*rnography—something that has quietly impacted the lives of many professionals, leaders, marriages, and families.

My relationship with IT began when I was exposed to explicit content in a magazine at the age of 10. This relationship quickly took on a life of its own as the introduction of mobile devices and high-speed internet brought the luxury of anonymity and accessibility with no boundaries.

Before I knew it, I was engaged in a 25+ year on-and-off relationship that I felt deep down wasn't right, yet I repeatedly failed to break free from it.

Sadly, I didn't have any competent help to guide me.

In the drive to succeed and keep up appearances, IT quietly thrived in the background—fueling anxiety, soothing me in tough times, while also pulling me further from the person I wanted to be.

Unlike substance addictions, p*rnography is a “process addiction.” There’s no smell, no visible marks, no outward signs to tip others off. 

IT is invisible and thrives in secrecy and deception - the very things that stand in direct opposition to integrity and honesty.

Thankfully, over the last five years, due to the combination of right support, redefined success, and renewed thinking, I've found hope for both sustained breakthrough and whole-of-life transformation. 

But here is one of the biggest challenges I see: Many don’t think IT is an issue. 

Or, don’t believe IT is a big enough issue to do something about.

A recent joint Barna Group & Pure Desire report reveals that 66% of adults believe you can watch p*rnography and still live whole and healthy lives.

I used to be within that 66% and thought I could engage in watching IT with little to no cost. 

But I was wrong. 

I naively used to think “this is just something I privately do once in a while and it isn’t hurting anyone”.

But today, 30+ years after I first engaged with IT, my wife and I are still working through and dealing with the complex and destructive impacts of my actions.

I’ve witnessed countless damaged individuals, destroyed marriages and broken families impacted by IT.

I’ve seen the hidden and sobering costs of engaging in IT that have been validated by neuroscientific research and real life stories. 

Here are just some of those impacts of engaging in IT:

• We reinforce unhealthy addictive behaviors and patterns in our brains.

• We lose our ability to be fully present and authentic with those we love.

• We make it harder to feel wanted, loved, and desired in the real world.

• We contribute to a multi-billion dollar industry that objectifies and abuses men, women, boys, and girls.

• We cause pain and insecurity in our partners and repeatedly destroy the foundations required to build true intimacy (inflicting what is known as “betrayal trauma”).

• We lose confidence and credibility to be role models for our kids and the next generation in the much-needed qualities of honesty and integrity.

Research also shows that this isn’t just a “man’s problem”— it is a people problem - the latest report from Barna, shows that no gender, generation or religion is exempt from IT.

Okay, deep breath. 

I recognise this could be a heavy subject, and at some level, maybe it should feel weighty.

But there is good news on the other side of this problem.

Freedom from IT isn’t just about avoiding pain or stopping a behavior — it’s about living a whole new life where you get to experience real intimacy, deep connection, and a clarity of purpose that p*rnography can never provide.

Freedom from IT opens us up to new possibilities where we can actually start to consider questions like:

• What could happen in our lives if we are able to confront this invisible killer that is undermining true success? 

• What is the best work we could offer the world if IT no longer had a silent stranglehold?

• What kind of person could we become without IT?

When we commit to confronting IT, we at a minimum, get the chance to step into healthier relationships, greater personal peace, and a stronger sense of identity.

With this blindspot exposed, we can now collectively step towards breakthrough and the fullness of who we were always meant to be.

We no longer have to do this alone, and no longer have to stay stuck.

And we can finally become the authentic leaders and role models our families, communities, and workplaces are crying out for us to be.

🤔 For Further Reflection

1. What or who came to mind as you were reading?

2. What is a repeated unhealthy pattern in your life that you want to transform (whether p*rnography or some other unhealthy coping mechanism)?

3. What is your next step of change that you want to commit to? 

🤜 Take A Next Step

If you’re someone wrestling with IT and you’re ready to take steps toward freedom, I want to offer you a safe, judgment-free space to talk it out and brave steps to walk it out. Send me a message here to have a confidential conversation.

If you read this email drop and thought, “This isn’t my issue”, I get it. But you probably know someone who is struggling with IT, even if they’ve never told you. I encourage you to be the person who cares enough to encourage them to take a next step towards freedom.

With you on your journey towards wholeness and redefining true success,

James

p.s If this is your first time seeing this, you can subscribe here to receive future email drops and join hundreds of high-achievers breaking free from the exhausting pursuit of success

#breakingfree #freedom #redefiningsuccess #thesilentkiller #the66percentproblem #coaching #counselling #support