Stop treating your relationship as a managerial to-do list”

That's the advice I recently heard from relationship experts Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute.

And it's something that struck me and I felt compelled to share with you.

Looking over the 18 years of marriage with Candy, I've seen how big life shifts have naturally pushed our relationship more into the administration zone.

Shifts like:

• Becoming parents and needing to organize two children who are constantly changing, growing...and ratcheting up the food bill! Nate and Caleb really are our two “Boyz 2 Men” (side shout out to those of you who are into 90’s RNB like me)

• Relocating from Sydney to Vancouver and needing to adapt to the different relational and friendship needs we have as individuals, as a couple and as a family unit

• Dealing with work and career shifts over the years that have required us to change our system of operating.
  
  

It's not just the big things but also the things that can get us in a mode of “managing”. For example:

• The competing day to day schedules of each person that requires organization, thoughtfulness and negotiation. (I wanted to do the grouse grind the other day but no-one in my family was keen so my idea was shut down) 

• Our "mood" on any given day that can affect how we behave toward each other

• The constant barrage of payments, bills, insurances, taxes, requests, etc.

So, how do we avoid becoming just co-managers in life with someone else?

Well, the encouragement from the Gottmans is to prioritize PLAY and FUN.

It is definitely easier said than done! 

You may have heard this relationship advice before…

”you need to play more”

“just have fun”

“rekindle the fire”

And I understand how that doesn’t necessarily help when you’ve got kids screaming in the background or you’re dealing with a stressful work situation or someone in your extended family just shared news that you can’t shake.

To be honest, sometimes advice about play and fun can seem like just another thing to add to my already full to-do list.

But if we cognitively know "play" is important and yet we aren’t even in a place to consider it, what shall we do?

Here’s three things I’d suggest:

1. Acknowledge what’s going on in your life first.

2. Discover and define “fun” or “play” for yourself.

3. Consider the other person.

   
   

A little word on each below.

1. Acknowledge what’s going on in your life first.

As someone in my 40’s, I need to keep reminding myself that life isn’t what it used to be. 

It’s not helpful to keep going back to the past of what it used to be.

For example, I can easily reminisce about how I used to be able to go out whenever I wanted and “have fun” .

I could drop what I’m doing to hang out with someone when they asked me or when I asked them. 

It worked because both our schedules were free. 

It worked because we didn’t have other lives depending on us. 

Looking back, I think it was also easier because I never had to define “fun” or “play”. 

Fun and play were by default doing something that got me away from the grind of study or work.

2. Discover and define “fun” or “play” for yourself.

Once we are real with our current life situation as presently constructed, we can then make some real progress.

I've found that a necessary part of this journey of becoming whole and holy people (to "live-holystic") is to not only define fun or play for ourselves but to also discover it.

Now it's going to look and feel different for each of us, and I'd venture to say that play and fun for you may even change within 6-12 months.

Some of my personal discoveries of fun and play over the past few years have included:

• Moving from competition soccer to casual soccer. Initially getting back into competition soccer was fun. I hadn't played competitively for more than 10 years and gave it a go for two seasons. However, I noticed that what I enjoyed more was the casual soccer on a Saturday morning and the conversation before and after that accompanied the play. This taught me that sometimes the discovery of play and fun can be found within an activity. So pay attention to the detail and nuance!

• Attempting baking and cooking. I notice I often enjoy creating things that others can enjoy. When it comes to cooking, I want something I would eat and that I can share with others. My latest cooking experiments have included making Aussie sausage rolls and healthier, higher-protein desserts :)

• Trying new active things with others. This has included giving jiu-jitsu a go, trying hot yoga and even recently jumping on the top thrill-seeker rides at Canada's Wonderland.
  
  

So, I’d encourage you to go on a discovery phase with this!

And importantly, notice what’s actually fun for you, not what you think fun should be.

📸 Above photos: 1. My "aussie" sausage rolls complete with matching singlet 2. Me just about to go on the "Leviathan" ride at Canada's wonderland with my thrill seeking buddy Caleb on our recent

3. Consider the other person.

I believe my two encouragements above hold true for most of us and can help if you want to incorporate more fun and play into your life.

Now, if you're wanting to cultivate more fun and play with another person with a view to building a flourishing relationship, there is much more to discuss.

This can be for a spousal relationship, parent-child relationship, family member to family member, significant friendship, etc.

Here's where it shifts.

It's not just about working out what play looks like for me.

But considering what play looks like for them.

For my kids, I can see how fun and play have changed. They do like playing mobile games like BrawlStars and Geometry Dash. I'm more of a Street Fighter II kind of guy.

And so I've been learning to say YES to the moments to play with them in things they enjoy.

For Candy, I know she’s not going to join me for outdoor sports activities and intense thrill rides.

Her current fun and play includes prioritizing meals with people she treasures, sending me random reels and posts to react to and sharing new food experiences and activities.

As I’ve mentioned before, the transformation of one person is difficult. 

Trying to change two people and help them move forward together is a mini-miracle.

Now I'm not sure of your situation.

There may be other things that need addressing before fun and play. But I believe the principle of "considering the other person" will still hold.

📸 Below photo: Candy has been wanting to try a local sushi roll bar. A rare time without the kids.